julie & jackie


it's very rare, but i do sometimes run into models who are really two faced in the fashion industry. i think it must be that they like to be popular and they have problems with their self esteem and so they just swing onto the side of popular vote without thinking. we have seen it many times with crowds, people get caught up with the frenzy and they don't stop to think what they are doing and saying--or who they are saying it about.

i have been trying here in china, to really see the other side of the person in front of me. it's not an easy thing for me, because i'm a leo, and leo's can be very self centered (for sure it's all about me - joke!). in china that wont cut it.  you have to have double the patience--and i lack a lot of patience that's for sure. that's why i am happy to be in china--its a chance for me to learn more, be more, stretch who i am as a person. maybe i will then evolve.

the bookers here are very new, so often they try their best, but they never saw how it's done in the big time of new york, milan, paris. the other day at a casting, sabrina totally shouted at our manager in front of the client, telling him that he was a bad booker. now, clients may not speak english, but they can understand some basic words--and everyone understands shouting. when i jumped in to protect him and reprimand the girl for acting unprofessional in front of the client i became the bad person and all the models ganged up on me suddenly telling me tons of things that were wrong with me.

if anyone has a sharp tounge, it's me. i can cut someone to a sliver if i wanted to--it's from all the fighting in primary school that i learned when the kids ganged up on me because i was german and different. now i am grown up, so i know that cutting someone back down to size wont do anything but bring you down to their level.

i could have said, shut up girl you are a fat cow and will never work in paris or milan. you're a Bgrade model, and i could have played on all her fears and insecurities--but i held my tounge. what good would that do, to make her feel even worse--which was why she was yelling in the first place, cuz she felt bad about herself!

i could have defended myself when the other girls all ganged up on me, jealous that i get a lot of the good jobs here and they are not working because their books are not strong. but i heald my tounge.

it showed me something i have not seen before though about women/models/humans--and something that i personally will take more care of in the future when i am on the other side of the coin: two faced. smiling in someone's face, and cutting them up in their back.

i try not to talk bad about people, and here i have tried not to participate in gossip or talking bad about the other models. i try always when i hear them talking bad about a girl to explain the girls' side: she doesnt speak english well---this can lead to misinterpretation. she doesnt feel good about herself--she has a lot of weight pressure. whatever it is, i have tried to defend the other person no present. i knew they are all probably talking about me too in some bad way, and now i know that given the chance, they will cut your throat. the thing that really surprised me, was that after all the support and help i have given these girls (introduced them to agents in europe, helped them get jobs, whatever it is) the girls i thought were my friends, didnt lift a voice to be on my side. they all just chimed in because it was the popular vote at the time. it really hurt me to understand that these people were not really my friends.

i'm starting to understand that friends, you can really count on one hand.

is that what growing up is all about? seeing the things of human nature clearly? deciding who you want to be for yourself?

one can always discuss flaws of the other, but i'd rather discuss a woman's strength. and if there's a problem, or something important--for SURE the right place to discuss it IS NOT in front of a client at a casting. you can speak kindly and in private.

it's a little bit like blogging--the google search engine is so powerful. i still remember mena trott speaking at the les blogs, saying that a quick tounge and no brain of a blogger can screw up someone's life.  be careful what you blog...a person's reputation--a person's FACE, can not be bought. once damaged, it's hard to get it back on right. you see that in the tabloid news--a lot of it is just sensationalized stories. but i often hear people saying "oh i love to read it".

everything is about choices: what side are you choosing--one chip for the down side will tip the scales in that direction. it's one chip less for the light! i want to put my chips in the side for good.  consciousness, i must stay awake more! i MUST WAKE UP! wake me up! wake me up! let me see clearly! i don't want to sleep away my life! i'm like the little seed pushing up in the dark to the light. will i ever break ground and get there? so many fronts to work on, eco, personal, professional...how can one human be SO CONSCIOUS? i guess that's why there are not a lot of buddha's in this life.

in my movie, pedra mendalza, there's one main point throughout the whole movie: the competition between women is destroying the planet. i agree. so how can we stop the competition if there's so little space where women can be?